How do you break a habit of manipulation?
ByI just had a talk with someone I care about who has exhibited manipulative and controlling behavior in our relationship in order to secure that his needs get met. He uses guilt as a communication tool rather than being assertive about what he wants/needs from me. I think this is a behavior he picked up from his family environment, and I think he's been a victim of emotional manipulation from an early age.
When I brought these habits to light, he was apologetic but wanted practical, specific advice on how he should adjust his interactions with me. I don't really know any step by step advice to give him. Can anyone who's dealt with this firsthand or had a loved one struggle these kinds of habits give me some practical, applicable healthy thought patterns, check points, guidelines, etcetera to help point him in the right direction?
Yeah… I realize this sounds like an abusive kind of habit, but really it's not that extreme. It's just that sometimes I feel disrespected when I come to him with a concern or something I want him/us to work on together and it gets turned around on me, and becomes my responsibility, not his problem. It's creates a lot of division in our relationship, and I often have to pull both of our weight.
For instance, his disrespect for my sexual boundaries eventually turned into a problem about my low sex drive. (this is absolutely the most extreme example)
He really doesn't think he's doing anything wrong at the time… which I guess makes it scarier. His initial, instinctive reaction is to turn it back on me.
I really care about him, and I truly believe he cares about me. Needless to say we have some issues to work through.
it's not a healthy relationship you are in at all. if you really are serious with him I highly suggest getting LOTS & LOTS of couple's therapy. if he isn't willing this isn't the guy for you.
i have been in a bad situation somewhat similar to this but it was much more obsessive and controlling, stalker to say the least. we plan on moving out of town so i can have some privacy again. i made the mistake of relocating back here….
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4 Comments
May 4th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Yup. I have. This person may not do this stuff as badly as the person I'm talking about, but I have unfortunately had to shut them out of my life. It's too much work, and they have to fix it themselves. You don't want to play a parenting role with someone who is already an adult. The person you are referring to could benefit from a counselor or therapist. That way, it doesn't become your fault they aren't honest with you. Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. This may be what you are up against, but I don't know.
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May 5th, 2009 at 12:07 am
He does it because it works. Do not let it work with you. Point it out to him when he does it and show he other better alternatives with better results. As long as it works for him he wont stop.
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former manipulative person
May 5th, 2009 at 12:17 am
it's not a healthy relationship you are in at all. if you really are serious with him I highly suggest getting LOTS & LOTS of couple's therapy. if he isn't willing this isn't the guy for you.
i have been in a bad situation somewhat similar to this but it was much more obsessive and controlling, stalker to say the least. we plan on moving out of town so i can have some privacy again. i made the mistake of relocating back here….
References :
May 5th, 2009 at 12:57 am
personal boundaries.. everyone needs them.
you can find a lot of information on the internet about setting personal boundaries….. it's all about protection of self….
when we set boundaries, we don't allow others to treat us in ways we dislike…
take care.
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