Psychologists : assertive communication, how do I ?

I am working on assertive communication FOR AN ANGRY PERSON. The part that I have the hardest time with is I feel, especially in this day and age, many people aren't honest so when i speak assertively, I don't get the right response. Example "I was hurt when you talked about>>>>>>>" and the person responds, "when did you get so sensitive" when in reality they were very mean, I've had this done to me, so where do you go ? that person is not being sincere but "roadblocking" where does one go with communication from there, especially in a personal relationship , say family, where you can't really just walk away ? then I get angrier !!!!!!!!!
to my first answer, there is so much "false communication these days" that I have tried to keep at it, but if the other person doesn't want to deal with truth, they just keep throwing the blame back on me

A couple of things spring to mind –

you need rapport with the other person, as well as their motivation to want to listen and to understand how things are for you. Staying in rapport with them is likely to improve your success.

If the two of you share a common goal and motivation towards wanting things to improve, then you're also probably more likely to get their receptive ears and mind.

It could be useful for you to keep a positive belief in your mind about the other person, whilst you're opening up. Believing that they want to improve, can improve things, etc. etc is potentially more enabling than having limiting beliefs about them.

So, seek to clarify what common purpose the 2 of you have to change things. If you can identify it, and agree on it before opening up, as well as referring back to your purpose if there are any blocks, it could keep you on track to being understood and leading to change.

Challenge yourself as much as possible beforehand to really define what it is that you want – what will happen if you're not hurt – what does this potentially give you? What can they gain too?

People typically get defensive about their behaviour, and often put up their biggest fight before they start the change process – in this instance, getting feedback on how their behaviour affects someone else – you – (leading them to consider / attempt alternatives). This resistance to 'extinction' of their behavior is a normal human response.

Something to bear in mind is what the other person gets out of their current pattern of behavior – the payoff – if they don't get these needs met by any alternative, they can still be likely to revert back to form.

So, I haven't mentioned interacting with your angry type of person, I've just outlined my model for all types of people. In this instance, managing your own state of mind is key, as if the 2 of you both increase your levels of anger, you will find yourselves in a vicious circle.

Choose the time to approach the subject with someone – make sure that there are few, if any, distractions. Get them when they are likely to be more receptive to listening, not when stressed etc. If you sense any psychological game happening, don't continue until this is addressed. It's really worth reading Eric Berne's book 'Games People Play, to get an understanding of the many games that happen between people.

These games often involve people moving into Parent/Child roles, and pay-offs that prevent intimacy. The 2 of you having Adult – Adult states are what's needed, to address things in the most resourced way.

Remain centered, and keep your breathing deep and easy, as you would in other situations where you'd prefer to stay as calm as possible. 'then I get angrier !!!!!!!!!' is not an appropriate adult response, it possibly reflects that the approach wasn't appropriate at that time – there's no failure, only feedback.

The example you mentioned could also hint at the potential need for the 2 of you to both share things that troubles them about the other. Again, a joint level of motivation and commitment, from the outset, coupled with a clear outline of what you want, is important- win-win is likely to be the most satisfying outcome for both.

Hope these quick thoughts help. I'm sure it's best if you tailor the language used to be appropriate to yourself and the person that you're dealing with, which is why I wouldn't tell you exactly what to say. You can do it!

Good luck! Rob

powered by Yahoo Answers

Be an ertive Communicator : ertive Communication & Role Playing